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How not to treat your trusty Saturday evening babysitter - Queer Rage

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July 26th, 2010


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gaysexual
04:07 pm - How not to treat your trusty Saturday evening babysitter
It is my choice, not yours, when to come out of the closet. It is never okay to trap me in a car, force me to out myself by asking me if I'm getting a "sex change," then drive me in circles for an hour telling me that I'm too young to make the decision to transition and that I shouldn't transition and that transitioning is wrong for me and that I need to do other things in my life first and...well, thank goodness you were there to cisplain things to me, huh? Or I would've gone and made a horrible decision and regretted it for the rest of my life!

Also never okay: telling me that "of course your mom didn't say anything against this, I think she probably just feels guilty and thinks it's her fault that you're deaf, so she's gonna support you no matter what you do. If you go kill someone, she'll be on the news making excuses for you." This crossed so many lines, I can't even count them all.

Or telling me that "I'm sure your brother and your mother are both accepting up-front, but somewhere in the back of their minds, they've gotta be thinking that, yeesh, this is my sister? This is my daughter? She's making a pretty big decision and she's going to regret it." (My retort: "no, they're thinking: this is my brother, this is my son. And I am there for him every step of the way.")

And what fantastic advice you're giving me--"spend time with people who don't agree with your 'choice' to transition," and thank you for reminding me that, of course, if I "hang out with a bunch of transgender people, they're going to be all for it." Well I don't see you hanging out with a group of your friendly neighborhood Nazis, Mr. Finklestein. Would that be because they'd be unaccepting and unsupportive of your Jewish identity? But don't you know, they could enlighten you about all the reasons that being Jewish is a bad, bad life choice. (Yes, I actually said all of this.)

This is also not "because I'm a lesbian." If you were paying attention, you might have noticed that, uh, I've brought my boyfriend over on several occasions while coming to babysit your kids (with permission) and introduced him to you as such. Just because I asked for the weekend off for Pride doesn't mean I'm a dyke--I was at Trans Pride.

Don't tell me I "need to go to college first and study this from an academic perspective before making any decisions." I'm pretty sure you didn't go to college and study the mechanics of being a heterosexual, cisgendered, cissexual male before deciding to be one. I can't focus on things like college right now, I need to transition first. And no, I'm not going to wait until I'm 40 to "gain more introspection," and if you think "the worst that can happen is you'll spend the next 20 years in the wrong body," you're grossly underestimating how miserable it is to be in my situation and not do anything about it.

And don't even start with "how do you know this is the right thing for you, or that you don't 'just' have BDD?" Well, that might have something to do with the 6 years of therapy I've been in, and spending my entire life identifying with femme males.

I'm starting T in a few weeks and was getting ready to come out to you and your wife at the same time, hoping to have a civil, educational conversation; provide you with books, websites and other resources; and help you explain this to your kids, who I've been babysitting for 4 years. I realize that "things in life don't always go as planned," (thanks for the reminder, dickwad), but I also know I have the right to decide when (and how) to out myself, if ever, to anyone. It's my identity, and as hard as you might try, you'll never be in charge of it.

Thank you for finally fucking dropping me off at home.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated

(32 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:persiascarecrow
Date:July 26th, 2010 08:19 pm (UTC)
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he held you in his car for an hour against your will? i would've threatened to call the cops and claim he was trying to kidnap me. still, i'm sorry he verbally abused you for an hour. people can be really awful :(
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From:gaysexual
Date:July 26th, 2010 08:25 pm (UTC)
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Well, it takes about 15 minutes from his house (where I was babysitting) to my apartment. I was working so hard at trying to educate him and defend myself and, well, not cry, that I didn't really notice I wasn't home until maybe 30ish minutes in. Then I asked him why I wasn't home yet, and he apologized ("sorry, I guess that wasn't right of me to trap you in the car") then proceeded to drive me around for another half hour telling me more of the same bullshit he did for the first half hour. >_
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From:vassilissa
Date:July 26th, 2010 11:37 pm (UTC)
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That's absolutely horrible. And also scary.

I'm glad you got out of there. And congratulations on starting T - I'm sure you'll be very happy.
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From:gaysexual
Date:July 27th, 2010 04:12 am (UTC)
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Thanks, I'm really excited :)
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From:manybrambles
Date:July 26th, 2010 08:28 pm (UTC)
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That's horrifying - being trapped in a car with somebody like that is one of my personal oh-god-no things, so I really feel for you. I'm glad you have such a supportive family, though. Ugh. :-/
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From:1_2_suckerpunch
Date:July 26th, 2010 08:31 pm (UTC)
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Fuck.
God.

Woa.
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From:oudeteron
Date:July 26th, 2010 08:53 pm (UTC)
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What the fuck? Let's see if I understand this: he held you in his car for sixty minutes, feeding you clueless cissexist bullshit and giving you "advice" to consciously let people do this to you more often so you can "gain insight"?

Dude, that's beyond creepy. I would seriously consider cutting ties.
[User Picture]
From:gaysexual
Date:July 26th, 2010 09:12 pm (UTC)
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Ugh, I'm going to try to talk to both him and the mom together and give them some websites/books that will help them understand. The mom is a very forceful person (not necessarily in a bad way--I always saw her as a strong woman who wouldn't take any shit from her husband or kids) so I'm worried she's going to be saying all the same things. Hopefully I can meet with them before this Saturday...I babysit for them every Saturday evening.

If they continue to spew bullshit, use female pronouns, and act unsupportive in general, I may have to find another Saturday evening position...the idea of this makes me SO sad, since I've been with them since their youngest was 9 months old (he's 4.5 now) and I love the kids so much. Also, they're a fantastic reference for me when I'm looking for jobs (I'm a nanny) and I'd rather not lose that either.

By the time the conversation finally ended, it at least sounded like he was willing to learn more about trans people in order to possibly understand my situation better--though at the same time, he sounded pretty skeptical. I told him my boyfriend that he met is also trans (he's not stealth, we just never saw the need to say anything) and started transitioning socially at 14 and medically at 17 and he was all "guh...guhh? hurr durrrr O_O" so hopefully that will serve as a good ~example~ for him if nothing else.
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From:oudeteron
Date:July 27th, 2010 11:02 am (UTC)
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Okay, I'm glad it sounds like you've got a plan. Sorry to hear you've been with them for so long that it'd make a radical solution painful. Still, you have to pick a decision that will benefit you most importantly of all - which I'm pretty sure you know, but it's a good motto so here you go again. I hope the whole thing can get resolved. *hugs, if you want them*
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From:kynn
Date:July 26th, 2010 09:34 pm (UTC)
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If you go kill someone, she'll be on the news making excuses for you.

if you killed this person in his car, i would be on the news making excuses for you.
From:paulnolan
Date:July 26th, 2010 10:02 pm (UTC)
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Likewise. JFC
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From:canibeyouronly
Date:July 27th, 2010 12:44 am (UTC)
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icon love
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From:gaysexual
Date:July 27th, 2010 04:14 am (UTC)
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Agreed, omg icon love. I had to look up what JFC stood for first though :P
(Deleted comment)
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From:canibeyouronly
Date:July 27th, 2010 12:45 am (UTC)
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100% agree. i'll even be your alibi.
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From:gaysexual
Date:July 27th, 2010 04:15 am (UTC)
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Don't give me ideas.
From:paulnolan
Date:July 26th, 2010 10:01 pm (UTC)
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What the fuck?! D:
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From:dierdrae
Date:July 26th, 2010 11:28 pm (UTC)
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What he did was highly, highly, highly inappropriate. He should know better than to keep someone in his car against their will, and evidently he does, he just conveniently ignored that because he had Stuff to Say. I have some Stuff to Say to him, too.
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From:mresundance
Date:July 27th, 2010 12:42 am (UTC)
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I'm echoing what others have said about what he did being highly inappropiate. I would cut ties with him ASAP and file a police report. Filing a police report at least means this incident is on file so if he does anything else like this, you have have further basis to protect yourself against him legally. His behavior sets off MAJOR red flags and I would never, EVER EVER be alone with him again, ever.

Take care of yourself.
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From:canibeyouronly
Date:July 27th, 2010 12:46 am (UTC)
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100% agree here too... if it was just "oops, wrong turn" what's to say that if you disagree in the future it's not "oops, wrong turn, I'm leaving now"...??
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From:gaysexual
Date:July 27th, 2010 04:29 am (UTC)
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I'm going to send him an email, then talk to him and his wife together and give them information...all the stuff I had been planning to do anyway. We'll see how that goes, and hopefully I won't have to lose my relationship with this family.

This came from a place of profound, profound, ignorance and poor decisions/social etiquette on his part, but he wasn't trying to be a douche. He just ended up being a massive one anyway...ughhh. I'll be talking about this in therapy. -_-
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From:squinting_kitty
Date:July 27th, 2010 01:21 pm (UTC)
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I'm trying to figure out how he could possibly think it wouldn't be frightening for someone to be stuck in a car while the person driving was purposefully not taking them where they're supposed to be going. Like, that would scare the crap out of me, and that's without the added fear of hate crimes based on my gender identity that my cisprivilege allows me to avoid. WTF was he thinking?!
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From:seiberwing
Date:July 27th, 2010 02:04 am (UTC)
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I'd have been scared out of my goddamn mind, I'm surprised you managed to handle it so maturely.
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From:pandoradeloeste
Date:July 27th, 2010 03:45 am (UTC)
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Ditto - I would have been cowering in the corner of the car with my hands over my eyes frantically agreeing to whatever he had to say just so I could get out of there.
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From:seiberwing
Date:July 27th, 2010 04:27 am (UTC)
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I'd probably have tried jumping out. Because I'm stupid-scared that way.
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From:gaysexual
Date:July 27th, 2010 04:31 am (UTC)
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Ugh I totally wanted to just open the door so he'd be forced to stop, then get out. Actually, I would've asked him to drop me off right where we were, but I don't know how I'd have gotten home. I was also attacked by a bunch of teenagers a few weeks ago and it's still fresh on my mind, so I'm scared shitless of being alone at night.
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From:traumsprache
Date:July 27th, 2010 06:24 am (UTC)
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Well I don't see you hanging out with a group of your friendly neighborhood Nazis, Mr. Finklestein. Would that be because they'd be unaccepting and unsupportive of your Jewish identity? But don't you know, they could enlighten you about all the reasons that being Jewish is a bad, bad life choice. (Yes, I actually said all of this.)

while i understand you're angry and hurt, and i'm pretty sure this is sarcasm, this part of your rage came of as anti-Semetic to me, and as a Jew i am a little offended.

i really hope that, if you actually said this, it was meant in a less ad hominem way, because to me it sounds like, because he belittled your trans identity, which is wrong, you in turn belittled his religion and the lasting cultural weight of Nazism...which is also wrong, and not the clever comeback you imply it was.

if you're going to keep this kind of language about "friendly neighbourhood Nazis" in here, could you please put your rage under a cut?
[User Picture]
From:gaysexual
Date:July 27th, 2010 07:16 am (UTC)
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Nah, this was definitely sarcasm, and wasn't coming from a place of belittling his religious/cultural identity. I was recognizing the importance of his identity by comparing it to mine, which I clearly see as important, and trying to provide a counter-example that I hoped would help him understand why, uh, I don't choose to hang out around people who hate on a big part of my identity. I was also raised Jewish, and he knows this--we've exchanged Hanukkah gifts through the years and have even had discussions about the best way to make matzo brei. So it was clear for both of us, in this context, that I was not putting down his religion.

Hope that clears things up. Sarcasm can be pretty hit-or-miss over the internet.
[User Picture]
From:traumsprache
Date:July 27th, 2010 02:53 pm (UTC)
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yeah i see what you mean, now that there's more context. :)

i totally get sarcasm problems over the internet...i think we've all been there where someone wasn't sure just what to do with what we said. explaining more really helped.

it's awful that he did try and invalidate your identity like that, and i'm sorry that whole episode happened!
[User Picture]
From:mephisto5
Date:July 27th, 2010 07:12 am (UTC)
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If you feel that your local police would be supportive, then I would file a report. If not, I would at least write down the incident and tell you mum about it. His actions were wrong and exceedingly creepy.

Anyway, the best of luck to you.
[User Picture]
From:gaysexual
Date:July 27th, 2010 07:21 am (UTC)
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I called my mom pretty much immediately; she was very surprised given that she knows this guy too, and was quite upset yelling into the phone that "I SUPPORT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I TRUST YOU TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS FOR YOURSELF"...then after she hung up, she called me back 10 minutes later and was like "You know what, Max? I thought about it and...well, I'm angry!" It was pretty cute, and I'm super grateful to have a mom that's supportive.

I think this entry counts as documentation of the incident. I'm saving a copy of the page to my hard drive too.

I don't really think I have any basis for a police report though. =/
[User Picture]
From:maevele
Date:July 27th, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
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I think deliberately keeping you in the car as he did is at least close enoughto illegal that I would document it with the po.

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